Welcome to my (sort of) serious site

I’m just a simple satirist. Names have been changed to protect me, the innocent.

Love may be the answer, but laughter is the way. Humor is a drug that it’s okay to take at work, like coffee, and Five Hour Energy liquid.

When you make us laugh, you make a connection, get our attention. Our fickle, fickle attention.  At that moment when we are light and laughing and free, all of our usual defenses go haywire and we are completely vulnerable to new ideas.  Ha ha ha. This is when you sock it to them, er, us — with your ideas!

So what now? Will your words offer value, plant a seed, provide a solution, inspire a new follower? Because you don’t have a lot of time before our defenses shut right back up waiting for the next funny bit.

I’d like to help you with this situation, because quite frankly I’m brilliant at it. And I happen to be looking for a Few Good Clients.

Please Don’t Use the F word: Fixer-Upper


Here’s the latest from my Bad Homeowner Blog.

Originally posted on Old Effing House:

Whatever you do, don’t use the F word around my house — as in “fixer-upper”.  This is NOT a fixer upper!  This is a move-in as-is-er and resolve a few problems.  Please, don’t say “fix.” At least, not around Hank.

Hank is so sure I have made the greatest mistake of our lives he called in Rex, G’s friend and contractor, to get his opinion of the house I’d just bought. In the garage, after Rex has seen everything, he looked Hank straight in the eye and said:

“I think this place is okay. It needs some work, but it’s nowhere near the worst place I’ve ever seen.”

“‘The worst place he had ever seen?”‘

Gee, Hank, just what have you been telling people about our “new” place?”

“I tell people we’re moving to the Twomps,” he snickered.

“You know, I don’t think a lot of people use that name for…

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Other Places to Find Me


Signs of social life on this planet, Captain! The author can be found at the following coordinates. Contact initiated, so y’all come back now, here?

Purchase my book, Time Management for Cats, here:

https://www.createspace.com/4237006 in paperback

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/296326 in ebook

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Story: The Copywriter


This story was originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. It was named Best of Soft Science Fiction by the Association of Soft Science Fiction Writers in 2002. I’m including it below in its entirety.

So one day these aliens leave a message on my machine.

They say, “This is the Intergalactic Space Alien Federation. We are taking over your planet with a constellation of war satellites and plan to enslave your species. We were wondering if you might write our brochure.”

The voice was bogus robo-talk and I figured it was a friend of mine joking around. But then came a knock at the door. It was the aliens ready to talk business. They didn’t care about my schedule, offering only general remarks about making it “worth my during.” I think they meant “while.”

I couldn’t very well keep them standing in the hallway. They looked like six foot slugs and smelled of cheap incense and burnt coffee. What would the neighbors think? I let them in and they sort of slipped and sloshed their way into my sharp little home office. As soon as they were settled, they brought up the idea of doing a brochure again. Right off I said: “No damn way.”

“Not in a million years could a brochure even begin to accomplish your objectives. That kind of world-wide endeavor clearly requires billboards, TV spots, direct mailers, print ads, in addition to several brochures. Not to mention a Web site,” I told them.

They were eating it up. Literally. I had to stop them before they devoured the last of my mock-up samples. I sensed that budget wasn’t an issue. Continue reading

writer, performer, humorist, blogger


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